15 August 2014

Don’t Like This Blog

I just read an article ("I Liked Everything I Saw on Facebook for 2 Days. Here's What It Did to Me," by Mat Honan, from Wired, Aug 11, 2014) that a friend shared on Facebook. This author discusses what happened to his Facebook news feed when he "liked" nearly everything for two days. As one might expect, the news feed became entirely commercial or article-related -- no posts from friends -- especially on mobile versions of Facebook.

"Liking" on Facebook is the new forwarded email joke. Remember? Everyone had at least one friend who persistently emailed jokes to you, sometimes more than once a day, old jokes, bad jokes, boring jokes, and often little cheery bits of fluff along the lines of 'somebody loves you' or 'forward this or go broke and then die." If you complained to your friend: "Stop sending me this crap! Can't you just say 'hello' and tell me what's up with you?" the target of your complaint would reply, "But my jokes my way of saying 'hello'! I don't have time to write everyone emails!"

This is what Facebook "like" has become. It means "hello," or "I hear you," or "how cute." Notice how icky you feel when someone posts bad news and you think, "I can't 'like' this! It's horrible!" or "How sad! Where's the dislike button?" Your upbringing (probably) won't let you just say "hello" when someone is unhappy or hurt or sick because you ought to SAY something. Although I have to admit, I became so weary of "I'm sorry for your loss" after my son died. It's not so much that every time I heard it, I was reminded of television cop dramas, where the police go to the victim's family's door and say "I'm sorry for your loss." But it's more about why don't you say something you're really feeling? It's okay if it sounds stupid (to you) or clumsy or short of what you really feel. If it's original, if it's what you really feel ("Damn, that sucks. It's not fair. I don't know what else to say."), it's honest, and it does mean something.
(And why won't Facebook give us a "Dislike" button?)

I guess what we're leading up to here is that we don't know how to communicate with one another in a feeling, emotional way. It's easier to forward an email, "like" a Facebook post, or utter some socially acceptable cliché because, well, at least he knows I was thinking about him!

Have you ever read really old letters? There is this except from a letter from John Keats to his love, Fanny Brawne:
"My dearest Girl, Indeed I will not deceive you with respect to my Health. This is the fact as far as I
know. I have been confined three weeks and am not yet well - this proves that there is something wrong about me which my constitution will either conquer or give way to - Let us hope for the best. Do you hear the Th[r]ush singing over the field? I think it is a sign of mild weather - so much the better for me. Like all Sinners now I am ill I philosophise, aye out of my attachment to every thing, Trees, flowers, Thrushes Sp[ r]ing, Summer, Claret &c &c aye every thing but you - - my Sister would be glad of my company a little longer. That Thrush is a fine fellow. I hope he was fortunate in his choice this year." (http://englishhistory.net/keats/letters/brawnefebruary1820.html)

You argue, but he was a poet! And a tubercular one, too! But what he was writing was original, from the heart, and not dependent on form or cliché. Note that he even misspells words. I'm sure Fanny appreciated this letter more than a Hallmark greeting card.

Okay, so this is the Information Age. I Googled "what to say when someone dies." Google gave me "About 37,500,000 results (0.48 seconds)." Good old Google. Why would I tell someone "Sorry for your loss" when I have more than 37 million sources for alternatives? (Maybe fewer – there are always repeats in Google search results.) Perhaps the news is sudden. ("Hi. How have you been? My dog died since last I saw you.") It would look bad to whip out your phone and Google, "what to say when someone's pet dies." So reach deep down, past your Vulcan training and say what feels right. "I bet you need a hug." Are you not the hugging type? "I cried for a week when my cat died." Never had a pet? "I can't imagine how that feels."

What? You mean it's okay if you admit you don't know what to say? If it's okay (and 'they' say it is) for a parent to admit to her child that she doesn't know the answer to a question, if it's acceptable for a teacher to admit he has to look up the answer to something a student asks him, then why wouldn't it be okay for me to tell someone who's lost a loved one that I'm at a loss for words?

Perhaps television is to blame. Characters on television, even the bumbling ones, always have something to say. Often it is witty, or deep, or at least funny. Why is that? Well, because there are writers who put those words in their mouths! Because it's not real! You can put those words in your own mouth though, and not just after conducting Internet searches.

This is what I tell my students. The way to learn to write is to read. It's not my idea. I stole it from somewhere else. I read it. But if a person reads – and reads a lot – all those authors' ways of expressing themselves eventually get into your brain. It's how you avoid these problems I see in student papers:
  • In today's society, it's a doggie dog world.
  • If we can...get the athlete help before its to late...in the long hall we can save a lot not just athletes but people.
  • ...The Civil Rights movement reached new peeks.
  • ...every faucet of their lives are brought into the spotlight...
  • It would have prevented the idiot local news "reporter" – broadcasting from the scene of a semi-truck rollover – from referring to its load of rebar as "rod iron."
Learning to express yourself in spoken words can be aided by reading, too. Sometime – not all the time – a situation might remind you of that same circumstance in a book or article you read. You'll remember the advice you read or the way the characters conducted themselves, and it will help you deal with the current situation. Or you may remember advice that you didn't agree with. There is an article somewhere on the Internet that advises one on what to say and not say when someone dies. It suggests that instead of saying, "He's in a better place" (which the other person may not agree with – or, in my selfish case, would rather have him here), you say, "I'm sorry for your loss." Of course, we already know what I think of that alternative. The sad fact is that any specific advice about what to say in a given social situation eventually sounds canned because a squillion different people read it and then parrot it, as if it was what they really meant. If you're reading books and – yes, even watching movies, that may give you a richer well from which to draw, one which everyone and his brother are not also drawing.

I will be the first to admit that there have been times I have been rendered mute by certain circumstances. Friends lost a young foster daughter who suffered for several years with brain damage and the resulting mental handicaps and visits to the hospital that came with it. In spite of her medical condition, she was a happy child, much loved by her longtime foster parents. I didn't know what to say when she died, so I said nothing. I didn't go by and see them or call them or send a note – nothing. (This was in the days before email and Facebook and SMS messages.) In the end, I looked like a bad friend and felt guilty about it for a long time. I still feel as if I let them down. We weren't close, but we were good enough friends that I should have said something. It was after this incident that I determined never to let an occasion go by without saying something. I might not know what to say, but that's okay. "I just called to let you know I heard the news. Can I do anything for you?"

A neighbor suddenly lost her husband after a brief marriage. It was about the same time my son died. I was in no shape to offer any kind of sympathy. But I went to a local caterer and bought some prepared evening meals – a couple her young grandson might like – and dropped them off at her house. (My thought was,"I don't know what to say, but perhaps this gesture will ease a small burden for a short moment.") I hope she heard me.

It's all any of us can hope.

28 January 2014

The Invisible Persistence of Grief

If you cut yourself while chopping onions in the midst of dinner preparations one evening, or if you burn yourself on the oven as you remove a tasty cake, someone might see that you favor a certain finger, or she might see that you've a nasty blister on your forearm. Perhaps she might even ask, “Oh! Did you hurt yourself?” She might wish you speedy healing or remark on how nasty the injury looks. My son is a chef, and his fingers and arms are full of scars from cuts and burns. One can trace the errors of his profession on his hands and arms. I have a scar from a hysterectomy, one from the time I burned myself with the iron. It is easy to see when someone is physically hurt and, for many years, to watch the healing process.

When the hurt is emotional, it’s more difficult to track and even more difficult to understand. All of us deal with disappointment and hurt on a fairly regular basis. We have arguments with loved ones, we miss out on chances and promotions we’d counted on, many of us suffer from chronic ailments that have the potential to interfere with our enjoyment of life. But we soldier on, for the most part. Then there are bigger hurts: divorce, debt, problems with children, losing jobs, or traffic accidents, for example. These kinds of burdens take a bigger toll. Some people never recover from them.

Finally, there are those devastating losses such as losing one’s home or experiencing the death of a loved one. These tragedies are like those major physical injuries that change a person. They are like the surgery that results in the removal of an organ. A person is never the same. But we often think about these events, when they happen to someone else, as being a lot like physical injuries. Eventually, a person gets “over it,” right? Observers can’t trace the “scars,” and the days go by rather quickly for those on the outside. They may even think, “Well, it’s been two years already. Things must be getting back to normal!” But they never do.

I've experienced sadness before, just as all of us have. I've been divorced twice. I lost a job once. Both of my sons had serious (but short-lived, thank goodness) problems while they were teenagers. My stepmother had Alzheimer’s, and now so does my mother. My dad died just months after I moved back to the U.S. from Australia. I have health problems that promise only to get worse. Those I have learned to deal with. I’m not generally a morose person. Then 2011 dawned.

In July that year, while visiting family in Houston, our house burned to the ground. It wasn't like those times you see on the news when people sort through the rubble and find cherished photo albums and souvenirs that miraculously were saved. We lost everything. Oh, I did find some books that were packed tightly in a box that were only singed and reek of smoke. My husband found some of his medals he earned while serving in the Marine Corps. (I never found mine from my U.S. Navy service.) But we lost baby photos (ours and our children’s); I lost all the letters my husband ever wrote to me, since the 1970s. He lost photographs he’d taken in Vietnam and during a Mediterranean cruise. When my dad died, I bought a lot of his furniture at the estate sale and furnished our house with it. Jewelry, original art, family heirlooms, his daughters’ childhood relics, my husband’s gun collection worth thousands of dollars.

Something like that changes a person. We like to visit antique stores and go to auctions. While looking things over, I often remark, I used to have something just like that. Once my younger son said, “Mom! You always say that!” I replied, “Because it’s true.” These days, we’re in a brand new house we built. It is full of furniture, jewelry, even some artwork. Friends and family sent me copies of a few of the photographs I thought were gone forever. And of course, I had some photos in “the cloud.” But now, it’s all become blurred, and I sometimes wonder, when I think I’d like to use a certain tool or wear an item of clothing, or share a photo with someone, “Do I really have that; or was it one of the things lost in the fire?” I met a man last weekend who said his house had burned to the ground 25 years ago. “You never get over that,” he said.

Then five months later, as if life hadn't smacked me around enough, my older son was killed in a senseless traffic accident that wasn't even his fault. One moment, we were planning to drive to Georgia to spend Christmas with him, and the next moment he didn't exist anymore. One day, I had two successful, handsome, loving sons, and the next day I had only one. I live that moment over, again and again, when my husband got off the phone and tried to find the words to tell me what had happened. And once again, there is this painful, tearing, destructive, almost audible break in my heart. There is no memory in my life that is more vivid, besides the moments my two sons were born. That changes a person. You never get over that.

But I’m not physically hurt. I have no scars. (Except I can see the circles under my eyes because I haven’t slept well in two years.) Most days, I’m pretty cheerful; I do my job (because I love it and because people are counting on me); I cook, clean house, do laundry, because these chores don’t “do” themselves and my husband has enough to do. I have helped him raise two orphan kittens in as many years, and we got a puppy. Because life goes on, and curling up in the fetal position and crying all day won’t bring my son back. Because when I do surrender to the overwhelming grief, I know how disappointed John would be that he might be the cause of that. I carry on.

And sometimes people mistake carrying on for “getting over it” or getting better. And that is a mistake. Most days, it takes all my concentration to get up, get dressed, and go through the day as if things were going well. So if you wonder why I don’t phone, why I don’t get out more, why I don’t visit, why I don’t take up a hobby, why…just why, I’ll tell you why. Because I am moments away from reliving that moment when my husband stood before me and said, “There’s been an accident.” I’m imagining my firstborn son, being propelled off his motorcycle, flying through the air, and hitting the windscreen column of a damned minivan with his chest, landing face down on the cold, wet pavement, his aorta cut open, and the life and love rushing out of him, hundreds of miles away from me. I’m here at home trying to remember if the green sweater that I thought I’d wear today is one I really have or one that is a pile of ashes, blowing around the Waco landfill. I’m having an internal argument with myself, trying to find the fortitude to get up and do the laundry, buy groceries, or look forward to a holiday. I’m trying to be present and cheerful because I still have a successful, handsome, loving son, and I don’t want him to see me fall apart. Because I’m his mother, and I’m stronger than that.

So I’m sorry if I don’t call or have somehow failed in my relationship with you. But this is the new me. I’m not sure I like her very much, and we’re working on that. But what you cannot see, that I see when I close my eyes, is the giant scar that is the transection that separates life before the fire and John’s death and after the fire and John’s death. This scar is where the cosmos reached in, as deftly as any surgeon, and broke my heart. And I offer this meditation not just for me, but for all of us who are struggling to live a normal life in the face of overwhelming grief – for my neighbor who lost her husband, for those folks in Bastrop who lost their homes the same year we lost ours, for my aunt who has lost two sons, for the families of those who died in West last year, for my ex-husband’s niece who lost her husband, for my friend who has been in and out of the hospital since October last year…this is for all of us. We didn't choose this; it happened. We carry on. But don’t imagine that we will ever get over it. Life will never be the same.